Kilala Takes a Bath
by Tortured Hylian Soul
Summary: With no one else to turn to, Sango asks Miroku to take care of Kilala and give the demon a bath while she and Kagome go on a shopping spree. Miroku thought that it would be easy... Oneshot.


"… And you have to brush her after her bath, make sure to use the Vanilla-Peach shampoo that came from Kagome's time, and that's it!" Sango said cheerfully as she piled yet another item into Miroku's arms. "Oh, and make sure to feed her!"

"Yes, Sango," came a muffled reply from under the mountain of pet care products. "How long will your trip last?"

The young woman rubbed her chin in thought. "Well… It will probably take about two hours for Kagome and I to hike down to the market. We'll probably spend a few hours shopping, and then be back about two hours after that. So, most likely around nightfall."

By now, the monk had managed to set the heap of items onto the floor before he had suffocated, next to the small, cat-like Kilala. "You're both willing to walk for two hours straight just to go shopping?"

Kagome appeared from behind Sango. "Hey! They have a sale on bath salts!" she exclaimed as her eyes began to twinkle, simultaneously clasping her hands together.

"Yeah!" said Sango, copying Kagome. "They also have the most beautiful silk kimonos!" Both girls sighed dreamily, causing Miroku to sweat-drop.

"Well, we better get going!" the older woman said with a smile, lifting her satchel from the ground. She turned, and began walking in the opposite direction with Kagome. "Thanks again, Miroku!" Sango shouted with a wave.

Miroku waved back, and turned around towards Kilala. "Well, I should probably give you a bath first." He did not see the demon's pupils shrink as he grabbed the special shampoo. "Come on, Kilala." He walked towards the washroom. Kilala did not follow the monk.

* * *

The two females were now several yards away from the hut in which Miroku was taking care of Kilala. Kagome turned towards her friend. "Why do we have to leave Kilala at the village?" she asked.

Sango laughed.

"What's so funny?"

With another laugh, the demon slayer explained: "I took her with me to the market once when I was nineteen. On that day, she was very tired and I had happened to be carrying her in my arms while she rested. I passed one of the stalls that was run by an elderly man who apparently did not have very good eyesight.

"Anyway, he stopped me in the middle of the road and ripped Kilala from my arms."

Kagome gasped. "Was he a thief?" she asked.

"No," Sango replied. "But he thought I was. You see; he ran a shop that sold these _adorable _little stuffed animals that were about the size and weight of Kilala. When he saw me carrying her, I guess he mistook her for one of his products, and thought that I had stolen her." She stopped, setting her bag down as she hunched over.

"'Excuse me, young lady!'" she said in her best imitation of the old man's voice, shaking her hand and closing one eye, causing Kagome to snigger uncontrollably. "'Do you realize that it is a sin to steal? And from an old man such as myself too!'" She returned to her normal posture and grabbed her bag.

"Anyway, I kept telling him that Kilala wasn't a toy and that she was mine. He didn't believe me, and to prove it, he pulled what he thought was a stuffed tail, and… Well…" Sango paused.

"What happened?" her friend asked.

"Well… Let's just say that after that, not only was she never allowed there again, but that man probably wouldn't be able to "relieve himself" comfortably ever again, if you understand what I mean…" She nudged her friend's shoulder knowingly as they resumed walking, Kagome's eyes widening as she laughed, Sango joining her.

After they had quieted down, they walked in silence for a few moments. "… So, why did you choose that lecherous monk of all people?" the younger girl asked.

"Because it was either him or… _Jaken_!" Both girls shuddered.

"I see what you mean…"

* * *

Miroku emptied the bucket of hot water into the small, wooden tub, turning to discover that the little demon was gone. He sighed, rubbing his temples in agitation. "Kilala? Kilala?" the monk shouted as he walked through Sango's unusually large home, searching for the creature as he lifted a few things up.

Miroku heard a small meow from another room, and, chuckling slightly, he followed the sound. "Kilala? Kila- Good… Lord…" His unblinking, shocked gaze was directed towards the center of the room, where said demon was pulling something out of a box and chewing on it. And it wasn't just any box either.

It was a box of Miroku's "Perv-E-Ness" brand pills.

"Kilala! Spit that out! _Now!_" Kilala, noticing the monk for the first time, meowed frighteningly, and raced out of the room faster than a track runner with diarrhea. Miroku raced after her all around the house until he tripped over a pillow and fell flat on his face; pretty sure that he had broken his nose.

The perverted man slowly lifted his head, noticing that he had left a nice little Miroku-shaped face dent in the floor. "This could not get any worse," he muttered right before it got worse.

First, a wardrobe magically opened, and a bunch of random clothing cascaded on top of him. Then, pink alien bunny pirates blew a hole in the wall with their happiness-beam, and probed him before hopping out, blasting another hole in the wall. Finally, Kilala ran up to him in her small form, licking his nose before meowing cutely.

"Thank, God, Kilala! Help me out here! Okay, first, you have to-!" His words were cut off as the demon climbed on top of his head, jumping up and down repeatedly before jumping back off and scurrying away.

He lifted his head back up, pulling one of his hands free before drumming them against the ground angrily. "I wonder if Sango is having as much _fun _as I am?"

* * *

Sango caught up to the running Kagome, panting heavily. "God help us!" she screamed as thousands of demon cockroaches ran after them through the market. Both girls could have sworn they heard the bugs cackling evilly.

"_I_ wanted to go bowling!" Kagome screamed angrily at her friend as they ran for their lives.

* * *

Miroku had managed to get himself back on his feet, vowing to scrub Kilala painfully hard once he caught her, maybe even to tie a bow around her neck when he was done. The monk walked stealthily from room to room, peeking into the doorway before walking into each.

_Man, Sango must be loaded! _he thought. _There's no one in our Hellhole_ _of a time that can afford a home with so many rooms! … Did I really just think like that? I'm hanging around Inuyasha too much… _

He was pulled from his thoughts as he entered a particularly nice room. It had a few gleaming windows next to a canopy-surrounded bed, giving the room a celestial glow. "Wow…" he murmured in awe. "This must be her bedroom…"

Miroku then noticed that there was a small wooden dresser a few feet away from him, the top drawer opened slightly. _Kilala could be hiding in there… _He made his way towards it and pulled the drawer completely open.

… He had hit the jackpot.

It was Sango's underwear drawer. Smiling like a kid in a candy store with five-kajillion bucks in his pocket, he grabbed a couple of pairs and stuffed them into his robes, saving them for later.

"Ugh! You pervert!" Sango's angry voice called from behind him. Miroku panicked, quickly turning around.

"Please, Sango, it's not what it looks… like…" No one was there.

"Ugh! You pervert!" a voice called again from another room. Sighing in relief, he followed it.

He soon found himself in another random room, and in the middle saw…

Kilala… With a Sango plush in her mouth. She was chewing on the doll's butt, the doll emitting an "Ugh! You pervert!" followed by a slapping noise soon after every time. Gasping, Miroku ran towards the demon and ripped the doll from her jaws.

"My Sango doll! _Kilala_!" He looked back down and found that she was gone. He could have sworn that steam was shooting from his ears. Suddenly, he looked back up at the doll, then the ground, then the doll, then the ground again. A light bulb flicked on in his brain (or in this case, a candle, since light-bulb's weren't invented yet…) "I have an idea."

* * *

Kilala scuttled around the room happily with a piece of the man-human's robe in her mouth. She had ripped it off when he wasn't looking. Tricking the man-human was fun! She could do this all-! The demon stopped. In the center of the room, she saw her Holy Grail:

A Jaken doll that looked like it could easily be ripped apart. She eagerly ran up to it, taking it in her mouth and chewing it.

Suddenly, an alarm went off as the room flashed red repeatedly. She heard maniacal laughter from above, causing her to look up. The man-human was there, smiling evilly as he dropped a heavy net, not noticing when it caught his foot. She easily dodged the net, resuming her chewing as she meowed happily.

Miroku was not so lucky. The net caught his foot, bringing him down with it as he fell on his hands, pretty sure that he had heard a _crunch_. Looking up at Kilala angrily, he felt a sharp sting in his right hand, causing him to gasp.

"You… hurt my… groping hand…" Kilala opened one eye, curious to see what the man-human would do next. "You took my _groping hand_!" The demon dropped the toy in shock, backing away a few inches.

Miroku's vision grew red, small crosshairs pointing at Kilala, reading: "_Target. Exterminate!_"

Kilala mentally gulped. The man-human reminded her of the man-demon whenever he became a full demon: red eyes, fangs, foam from the mouth, heavy breathing.

She was screwed.

Miroku reached over towards his right hand, preparing to remove the cloth. "I advise that you run," he said in an eerily calm voice. The demon meowed, suspiciously sounding like an _Uh-oh_, before running away, the man-human chasing her with his Wind Tunnel.

"_Get your furry butt back here you cat-tiger-squirrel-demon thing so I can rip it off!_"

* * *

Sango limped to her doorway with shopping packages, groaning in pain with every step, Kagome not far behind. "Those demon cockroaches gave me blisters. Every nerve in my legs are screaming…"

Kagome nodded wearily. "It was a good thing that that guy who claimed he could eat anything was there." The girls pushed the door open, not prepared for what they saw.

The house was a smoky ruin. Fallen bookcases, holes in the wall, overturned furniture. Miroku sat in a dark corner, his eyes wide as he rocked back and forth in a fetal position, mumbling something unintelligible as he stroked what appeared to be a female doll on the head.

Kilala was next to him. Her small body was covered in pink bows as she twitched violently, her eyes wide and unblinking. Forgetting their pain, the girls ran over to the two, Sango holding Miroku as Kagome pulled the bows off of the shaking demon. "Miroku! What happened?"

Miroku looked up towards her nervously and seemingly frightened, his eyes almost making it appear as if he was possessed. "So… much… water… So… much… water…" He grabbed the woman by the collar of her shirt. "_I can't do this anymore!" _He dropped to his side with an alarmingly loud _thud_, rocking back and forth as he sucked on his thumb.

"Sango, we must get him to Kaede!" Kagome shouted.

"You're right! Kilala, stay here!" The demon did not even blink as she continued to shake.

As the two girls carried the monk out of the demolished home (hitting his head on the wall on the way out), Kilala began to look around nervously, ceasing her shaking. She spotted a fluffy-looking stuffed cat on one of the boxes that the girls had brought in.

Suddenly, her stomach tingled as she began to feel light-headed, her pupils growing wider and wider.

The man-human's yummy brown circles that she had eaten from his box were starting to kick in.

With incredible speed, she lunged at the stuffed cat, desperately trying to grope its tail with her claws, only to succeed in falling through a hole in the wall leading her outside.

A pink alien bunny pirate walked up and took Kilala away to become a test subject…

_**And they all lived Happily Ever After…**_

(Except for Miroku, who had to spend the next thirty years in a mental-asylum.)

* * *

**0o Am I insane or am I insane?**


End file.
